1:31 p.m. - 2004-08-18
open letter to the car thief
An open letter to the person who stole my car:
Dear sir or madame,
Hi. How's the old Saturn running? And by old, I mean, old to me, but new to you. Ha ha, little thief/victim humor there.
So, what have you been up to? I, myself, have spent the majority of the last five hours on the phone with insurance companies and claims adjusters and police officers and car rental places.
So, why was it MY car? Surely there were at least 10 nicer cars on the block to choose from. I know, I know, that's a very prideful, Americanized view...why me? why ME? It's not that I think I shoudl be exempt from bad things happening to me or anything, just because I'm a white girl from the subburbs...it's just that my little saturn really isn't that great of a car.
Oh, by the way, you stole my bible in the process. God's gonna be really happy with you for that one. I've had that thing for 8 years. Maybe you should read it. I have the good parts underlined.
What is it that makes someone steal a car. I wonder if it was your first. Or your 50th. Did you need it to drive your sick mother to hospital? If so, I'd like to inform you about this little handy service called a Taxi Company. And this even better service called an ambulance. Is it for fun? Are you selling it to some scary guy who wears a gold chain and too much cologne?
Maybe you're a secret agent and you needed to comandeer my vehicle in pursuit of the bad guys. Hey, maybe Jack Bauer stole my car! Or Tony Almaida. In that case, have at it; I'm your biggest fan, Soulpatch. Sorry for the 24 humor...but car theives probably watch that show, so it's ok.
Well, this is a situation that is currently outside of my control. There's no sense in getting mad. Just to let you know, if you try to go from nuetral to first gear, with the air conditioning on, it makes a horrible noise. There's a handy little placard in the glove box that is a free parking pass to the City Hall garage, downtown. The extra benefit of stealing he car of one of the mayor's commissioners. Oh, and there are tire chains in the trunk, along with my portfolios, and a business suit that is not quite nice enough for interviews, but would work for a regular meeting. I think there's some ketchup in there too, from a recent picnic. Oh, and you serendipitously have acquired a goldmine of hotel-sized bathroom products that I was planning to take to the homeless shelter. Happy showering. One more thing, if you decide to go ahead and use my work out clothes you should probably launder them; they have been worn twice without hitting the Tide and Snuggle.
It will need an oil change in the next month or so, but I did recently spend about 200 bucks getting new transmission fluid, etc. Tires should probably be rotated. I think that's all. Call me if you have any problems. It responds well to light kisses on the steering wheel and ego stroking "You're the best car...you're the biggest strongest car in the whole world" when it's not cooperating. Swing by the house sometimes and I'll be glad to throw in the shirt of my back and one of my kidneys. Take care.
-jessi "takin' the bus" dobos
