9:49 p.m. - 2004-10-10
pissy but grateful
Oh me oh my.
My life is just kind of...hard, right now. Not in the usual ways, and maybe not even in the obvious ways. My mind feels tired and I just kind of have a general sense of disappointment with myself.
I don't like being "down" because I find myself wanting someone to do something to fix it, and people usually can't and so then I feel all mad and hurt on top of being "down"...and then I feel bad for being mad at someone for something that really isn't their fault at all. It seems to me that it is much more efficient to just avoid that whole annoying process.
What can I say? It's the truth.
Well I'm down, ok? And you probably can't do anything about it. I'm sorry. I know that's shitty. And now is the time when I think this whole entry is a bit indulgent and unfair to everyone but me. And I contemplate erasing it because it serves no purpose other than for me to basicaly whine to the universe at large that my life isn't going perfectly at present moment. I should be grateful. Maybe it would be better to make a list of things ot be grateful for instead. OK, I'll compromise and leave this and make the list below.
Hmmm.
I'm grateful my mom is a really wise and approachable person, who is not afraid to grow and change even though she is twice my age. (roughly). I hope I'm not afraid to change when I'm her age. Sorry if this makes you feel old mom. That's not the point.
I'm grateful that I am living in a beautiful house that has just enough other interesting occupants in it to make it lively and unpredictable.
I am grateful for my iPod that has a zillion songs from which to choose from, for mood matching purposes. I'm leaning toward Portishead or Neil Young this evening.
I am grateful for Mae "maddog" Klingler, of whom I am proud and whom I admire. Have you heard this lady sing? She is rad and just as cute as a button. If I had a little sister, that's just how I'd want her to be. She's spunky enough to be worthy of respect and funny enough to make me want to be around her A LOT more, and soft enough and honest enough to make you want to hug her tight for a long time.
I am grateful that no matter where the Cookes live, their house always feels like home to me, even if I've never been there before.
I'm grateful for friends who are the sort that you don't knock on their doors or ask before you help yourself to a beverage.
I am grateful for crisp fall weather and that Collin was willing to drive a total of ten hours through the appalachian hills so I could hang out with my crew.
I am grateful for Good Works and Keith Wasserman.
I am grateful for friends who you only have to make eye contact with, to re-establish your long running, long distance friendship...you look into their eyes and see that spark and feel relieved that what makes them great is still in there.
I am grateful that when I'm with Kelly Cooke, a single facial expression can produce a really good solid belly laugh.
I'm grateful that Matt Cooke, can always be counted on for a notably terrific hello and goodbye hug and has been dependable in this area since the first day I met him.
I'm grateful that Rob Rennich laughs really hard at subtle things that I think I'm the only one who got it.
I'm grateful that a conversation with Sarah Puttick-Lozecki can be described only as being like butter. She is the world's easiest person to talk to.
I am grateful that Catherine Loya is often available on instant messenger.
I'm grateful that if someone said something bad about me, no matter how true it was, Brooke Williams would say "That person is an idiot." You can't buy loyalty like that.
I am grateful that Bethany Cape is doing a good job of keeping in touch with me even though she is terrible at keeping in touch with people. She'd better. I need her.
I am grateful that Jen brought me enough clothes hangers for an army the other day. I will use every single one.
I am grateful that Katie Meyer is such a solid, interesting, dependable, smart person who I can spill my guts to and who will really understand.
I'm grateful for everyone who reads this, because it makes me feel happy that people want to know what is happening around me and in me and because of me and to me.
I'm grateful that I have a comfy bed to sleep in and I am going there right now.
Pssst...I feel a good bit better now.
