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8:18 p.m. - 2008-02-24
Oscars 2008
Here we go - Oscars folks. I apologize in advance for my poor spelling of movie and people names.

8:09 Red Carpet fun. Many red dresses - maybe a nod to the growing awareness of women's heart disease?

8:10pm Cameron Diaz looks like she grabbed the sheets from her hotel room and held one end and spun around until it covered her and handed the hotel maid some safety pins to hold it all together before rushing off to the big event. Why is she even there? And why are they interviewing her? Is she in anything? She's kind of B+ list - still on the radar but not really doing much.

8:14pm Ellen Page is cute in a really simple dress and ponytail. She just turned 21 apparently. Woooo! Let's do some Jager Bombs!

8:17pm Hilary Swank has a great black sparkly dress and a killer body. But she scares me. I think she might eat babies for a mid-morning snack. Can;t you just see her morphing into Alien and devouring whatever is in front of her?

8:34pm Jon Stewart is up there, doing his EmCee thing.

8:35pm George Clooney is so delicious. His eyes just glitter. G-Cloo, I have loved you since your days as Booker on Roseanne.

8:36pm I think if I were single, I'd go on a date with Dennis Hopper. Those retirement fund commercials he does make me hot. Kidding. But I'd have a drink with him.

8:40pm Diane Lane is beautiful but she always looks like she could shed a tear any moment. Does she get stuff in her eye a lot?

8:42pm Jennifer Garner is lovelu and I just loe those dimples. Her hair is a small crisis today though.

8:43pm Best Costume Design always goes to an Elizabethian movie. And the person who actually wins is always really cool-looking.

8:48pm 80 years of the Oscars clips. Cher. Woody Allen. Hallie Berry, Jodie Foster, Ellen, Julia, Chevy, Kermit, Bono, Bob Dylan, Katherine Hepburn, George Burns, Robert Redford. Ending with a really nice clip of Charlie Chaplin.

8:51pm Steve Carrell (sp?) and Anne Hathaway announce the winner for Best Animated Feature - she seems nice. He is good in everything he does. I loved him most in Little Miss Sunshine. Rattatouie wins. Of course.

8:56pm Kathryn Heigle looking very Marilyn Monroe. She is gorgeous and very nervous. Ummm hello just read the teleprompter, Dear. You are an actress are you not? Whoa some French dude is up there with hair that looks like it might leap off his head and attack the pretty girls who guide people off stage.

8:59pm Amy Adams is funny and talented. She could easily play someone from the 20s or 50s - she has that classic look. But also looks real and normal. Her vice is really cute too - she should do voiceover work. Maybe she does.

9:02 Catherine Zeta Jones remains high on my list of Most Gorgeous Women EVER. She is the epitome of beautiful in my opinion. She ages so well.

9:07pm The Rock presented Best Visual Effects. I just noticed his voice sounds a lot like Barack Obama. Too bad he probably has about 1/16th of the brain. He's getting classier though. Less meathead-ish. Golden Compass wins.

9:09pm Why does that microphone rise and descend from/to the floor? That is going to accidentally go up someone's hoo-ha. Is Paris there? Sorry.

9:11pm Cate Blanchett looks lovely as usual. Is she pregnant? The winner of whatever she is presenting looks exactly like J-To's mother-in-law.

9:13pm Best Supporting Actor. Jennifer Hudson presents. Hmmm BAD dress. She has a scary triangular boob thing going on. But her hair is hott. Is she from Pittsburgh??? She just said the word "wild" how people from Pittsburgh say it. "Wowed." Nope - a quick google search tell sme she was born in Chicago. Javier Barden won. He is cute. He thanks Tommy Lee Jones who is fiddling around with his watch like he's bored. Pay attention Tommy!

9:23pm I like Jeff Goldblum.

9:24pm Kerri Russle is too thin. She looks great about 15 pounds heavier. She lookes unnaturally lipo-ed or something. Even so, she has that terrible armpit boob roll hanging over her dress. People, just so you know, that is breast tissue, not fat. So you can't really "lose" it. You are advised to not simply not wear strapless dresses rather than try to starve away your armpit boobs.

9:26pm Sometimes I wish I could be in a black church choir. But that would probably involve going to church and I'm not really into that right now. Jesus is my man but when his people gather together in buildings on Sunday and I join them it usually makes me feel annoyed and sassy, not in a good way.

9:28pm Owen Wilson! Wow. Everyone is quiet and afraid he is going to say or do something awkward, I think. The whole place seems to be holding their breath. He doesn't do anything - very basic, no jokes. It's somber. Hope he is getting on with life and remembering to focus on the good.

9:30pm I love the people who get up and appologize because they don't speak much English. It's very sweet. Meanwhile they have better diction and a wider vocabulary than most Pittsburghers. Then again, the same goes for most talking birds.

9:35pm John Travolta looks "good" but really fake like someone made a plater replica of his face 20 years aog and slapped it on there for the big show.

9:38pm Best Supporting Actress - Tilda Swinton. She would play a good robot or alien. She needs some lipstick and eyebrow shadow, NOW. She really looks like her makeup artist slathered classic ivory Cover Girl foundation all over her body and then had a stroke and couldn't finish the job. It really is an unsettling look. But she seems humble and wise, I think.

9:44pm Jessica Alba is shiny. Powder puff intern, where are you? Lots of women are wearing dresses that seem to have feather boas stapled to the top of the bodice.

9:48pm The Cohen brothers win for Best Adapted Screenplay. They both look like my pediatrician, Dr. Levine.

9:52pm Hannah Montana - her teeth are weird. She is a good reader though. I guess that's good.

10:26pm The last 34 minutes have been about as exciting as folding laundry. Jack Nicholson, Renee Zellweger. Blah. Ho hum. Montage of past winners. I respond to a comment leaver on The Teet's blog. See Obama entry a few days old at theteet.wordpress.com

10:31pm Jessi takes a bathroom break.

10:33pm Nicole Kidman is wearing what resembles a chandelier around her neck instead of a necklace. It is LARGE. And tiered and sparkling. It is simply way too much.

10:34 A really really old dude wins an honorary oscar. He is OLD. I love when very old people talk. You have to wait because what initially sounds like awkwardness-inducing nonsense usually leads to something worthwhile if you can hang in there while they reach for the words they mean to say. It is good and right to be patient with old people because they have been patient with a lot of things a lot of times.

10:42 Penelope Cruz is wearing a feather boa topped dress. The boa thing goes around the back and onto her behind. It's really terrible.

10:45pm Patrick Dempsey alert! More captivatingly glittering eyes. You, Mr. Dempsey are a source of temptation to women everywhere. Stop looking through the tv into my soul and deepest hopes and dreams! You should wear an eye patch on each eye! Two eye patches!! OK, my fantasy has been heroically headed off by an awful performance by some dumb guy singing some dumb, awful song from that Enchanted musical.

10:48pm Speaking of awful, it's John Revolta. I think his hair and sideburns are made out of brown astro-turf. Maybe that is what happens to you at level Q4D9 in Scientology. Seriously though I think he sprayed that stuff on his head that black football players and coaches like Bettis and Mike Tomlin do. It looks so sharp on them but not on Danny Zuko.

11:03pm More boring montages. But Cameron Diaz had a little line flub - actually stumbled over the word cinematography, and recovered nicely. She's cute.

11:04 Montage of stuff blowing up. Shadows. Sunsets. It's the Best Cinematography award. I missed who won. Sorry.

11:10 Atonement wins for Best Original Score.

11:11pm Tom Hanks. Looking fit and cheerful. Soldiers from Iraq present for Best Documentary short subject i.e. the movies none of us have seen or heard of but probably should watch. The two women who won are obviously ecstatic. I've never seen someone smile that big. Tears. It was a 38 minute long HBO movie about gay discrimination. Didn't catch the title. They were really sweet and happy and honored.

11:15pm The big Documentary award. Ok ok. Michael Moore. Come on....these other ones look good too, though...Iraq war documentaries mostly. Sicko is the only one I've seen and I love MM. Hmmm. He didn't win. Taxi to the Dark Side - it's about Gitmo interrogation - won. That's good.

11:24pm Harrison Ford is very grey and wearing a single stud earring. I wonder why. I don't like when guys wear only one earring. I actually only like when guys wear a small silver hoop in each ear. Or maybe a few silver hoops.

11:25pm The Juno writer wins Best Screenplay. She is adorable! She said "I want to thank my family for loving me exactly the way I am." and cried a little. I love her. Her first name is Diablo. That rocks.

11:30pm Helen Mirren is stunning and elegant. She is fabulous. So charming and just the picture of touchable grace. Her dress is perfect. RED bodice with wonderful silver sparkly lacy half-sleeves. Her simple grey/blonde hair is lovely. She rocks the whole look and is more attractive than 90% of the women there who are 1/3 her age. She should design - she has impeccable taste. But she is probably busy doing something important - I wonder if she supports any worthy causes. I'd listen to anything she has to say.

11:35pm Daniel Day lewis has large hoop earrings. Too large. They make him look like he is half in drag because while his hair is ok it could easily belong to a boring 40 year old woman. He won Best Actor.

11:40pm The Cohen brothers win Best Director. I am having Dr. Levine flashbacks. Cold stethoscope. Vacine shots!

11:45pm Denzel is looking dapper. I'm liking the shaved head and goatee - that is my favorite of Kevin's many "looks." The Cohen brothers are cleaning up. They won Best Picture. Wait. Best Picture is usually last. Oh, it's over. Hmm. That went fast. See you next year.

Marsh out.


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