12:48 a.m. - 2006-12-19
Bob, LouAnne and family
Well, for the last 2 and a half hours, i have been making cookies. And I realized a moment ago that roughly 1/3 of the cookies i made look vaguely like boobs.
Things that happened during cookie making:
I dyed my hands red with food coloring.
I made a giant mess with red and green sprinkles.
I said "shit" at least 5 times. This began when i reached my oven mitt covered hand into the oven and plopped the "thumb' of the oven mitt right into a cookie. Most other times had something to do with icing.
I got cookie dough all over my engagement ring. That's ok - I'll just use Kevin's toothbrush to clean it later. Yeah, Honey - that's what you get for leaving me alone the week before Christmas.
I purchased sturdy paper plates and gallon size freezer bags, thinking I could put the cookies on a single layer on a plate and put the whole thing in a plastic bag (this is one of those times when i wish I knew someone who baked who stayed up past midnight so i could ask them what the normal way of storing and transporting cookies is since I never bake or really even eat cookies....) Well, the paper plates were bigger than the damned freezer bags. So after putting all of the decorated cookies on the plates, I had to use scissors and cut around the outside of the plate to make them small enough to fit in the bag. While I was cutting, a long strip of curly paper/plastic wound it's way down to the floor, causing Henry the cat to crouch, then run and pounce on it, nearly upsetting seven cookies onto the floor. But I saved them from disaster. I'm awesome.
The cookies are ok. Not as exciting as I thought they would be, but hopefully they will bring cheer to one and all.
Speaking of Christmas cookies, I found the following on my porch tonight: a tin of homemade cookies and a card. On the envelope, it said "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I brought them in and opened the card. It said this:
Dear Bob, LouAnne and family,
Thank you for welcoming me to the neighborhood! Happy Holidays.
-Stacey
Hmmm. What does one do in this situation? See, Bob, LouAnne and family live two houses down. Stacey lives between us and she is our sort of new neighbor. I imagine they probably got our tin. Should I go put the one I got on their porch? What if they don't give us the tin that was meant for us and then Stacey asks if we liked the cookies? We would either have to lie or then tell her about the mix-up, and outing Bob, louAnne and family as cookie stealers which could start some kind of weird neighbohood feud. (is that word spelled right? Feud. Fued. Feued?) I could just assume the tins were identical, and go ahead and eat ours and maybe the cards will get sorted out. But what if LouAnne or "and family' is allergic to something and we got the wrong cookies too? What if I eat a few cookies and then tomorrow, I find our tin out on the porch? How long should I wait? I don't even really like cookies, so it's not a major issue, but what if I did really like cookies? And what if Bob and Louanne and family don't know our names and they're like "Who the hell are Kevin and Jessi?" (I've never talked to them; I only know that Kevin knows Bob's name...LouAnne's name was new info for me. I've only seen her once.)
This is why Christmas cookies are evil.
So, there was this guy on Leno tonight and he was playing guitar while telling jokes....the guitar was kind of unneccessary because the guy was realy funny. My favorite bit was this:
'The whole killing two birds with one stone thing...who first said that? I mean when in history was there an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones....yeah, you guys over there...could you just use one? We're trying to conserve rocks...oh, and try to get two birds - there's a lot of them. Hey, let's remember that one...and tell everyone...forever."
And finally...that commercial for viagra, where they go into detail about being careful about making sure you're healthy enough to have sex, having too much of a drop in blood pressure, etc. And then they say "Be sure to seek immediate medical attention if you have an errection lasting longer than four hours..."
First of all, that commercial makes me extremely embarrassed if I am watching tv with anyone but my husband (we laugh like 9 year olds every time.) I mean, who wants to see that commercial with, say, their uncle or father in the room. What do you say? "Yup. A four hour errection....very dangerous. Gotta watch out for that." I hate commercials that in certain company, you just have to pretend never happened or that force you to leave the room. Like anything for errectile dysfunction, vaginal odor, feminine itching, condoms, or that horrible, weird contraceptive that is like a ring that goes you know where and stays there for a week, arghghggh! i hate that commercial! That woman holds the GIANT ring up to the camera and pinches it to show how flexible it is. I do not want to see that commercial in front of anyone! What could you say about that to your grandma?? "Think that really fits in there?"
