1:48 p.m. - 2006-09-26
All I wanna do
Alright, I've been meaning to do this for a while now.
THere's this radio station in Pittsburgh called BOB FM. It's pretty great. It plays a little bit of everything that leans more to the "so bad it's good" end of the music spectrum.
More than twice in the last month, they have played that Heart song "All I wanna do is make love to you." This song really bothers me. Let's do the breakdown.
It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.
UMM, OK. LOOK. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF LOVE SONG, BUT IT STARTS OUT WITH THIS CRAZY WOMAN PICKING UP A HITCH HIKER! THIS IS SO DANGEROUS. WHO WOULD DO THAT ANY TIME LET ALONE A RAINY NIGHT???
He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.
I didnt ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me its right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please dont make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.
SO SHE'S DRIVING HOME, PICKS UP THIS DUDE AND DECIDES SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. RIIIIGHT.
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
Ive got lovin arms to hold on to
IF ONE WAS GOING TO PICK UP A HITCH HIKER AND BANG HIM, I WOULD SUGGEST OTHER WORDS FOR THIS ACT THAN "MAKE LOVE" BUT WHATEVER.
So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well
HOLD UP. WAIT A MINUTE. SHE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS THIS ONE TIME THING...THIS DOING IT WITH A STRANGER THINGS. BUT SHE "KNOWS THE HOTEL WELL'??? I'M ONTO YOU, LADY.
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
OH FOR PETE'S SAKE. MAGIC? AND WE REALLY DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT? DO WE?
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily
OH, STOP. PLEASE. THIS IS JUST SICK. IT'S SO UNNECCESARRILY DESCRIPTIVE AND YET I AM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT SHE MEANS.
And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note
WHAT A JERK.
I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree
THIS METAPHOR IS MAKING ME WANT TO BARF.
Dont try to find me,
Please dont you dare
Just live in my memory,
Youll always be there
AW, WHAT A NICE CONSOLATION PRIZE. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT YOU HAVE THIS NICE SPECIAL SPOT IN MY MEMORY. OH, AND WASN'T SHE SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING HIM A RIDE SOMEWHERE? NOW WHAT'S THIS POOR SUCKER GOING TO DO?
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Ive got lovin arms to hold on to
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
LIKE STRANGERS? WEREN'T THEY ACTUALLY STRANGERS???
All night long
We made love
Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
SHE HAD HIS FREAKIN' KID. WELL, SHE'S AS FERTILE AS SOMEONE WE KNOW WHO GOT PREGNANT ABOUT 30 SECONDS AFTER SHE STOPPED TAKING BIRTH CONTROL.
I said please, please understand
Im in love with another man
And what he couldnt give me
Was the one little thing that you can
OK, SO THIS WOMAN PICKS UP A RANDOM HITCH HIKER, FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM. DECIDED TO SLEEP WITH HIM AT THE HOTEL SHE APPANRENTLY FREQUENTS. THEN SHE WRITES HIM THIS CLEVER LITTLE METAPHOR OF A NOTE REFERENCING PLANTING SEEDS AND WHATNOT, THAT SLYLY INDICATES THAT SHE KNOWS SHE IS PREGNANT ABOUT 10 MINUTES AFTER THEY STOPPED "MAKING LOVE" ALL NIGHT LONG. THEN SHE NEVER TELLS HIM ABOUT THE KID AND LIES TO HER HUSBAND OR WHOEVER, TELLING HIM THAT IT'S HIS BABY, WHEN IT ACTUALLY WAS CONCEIVED IN A SCARY HOTEL WITH A MANGY HOMELESS MAN. IT'S AS CLASSIC AS THE AMERICAN DREAM. IT'S HAPPENED TO MOST OF US. I MEAN I, LIKE, TOTALLY RELATE. I'M SURE WE ALL DO IN OUR OWN WAY.
