1:09 p.m. - 2006-07-31
I'm in love with a Stripper...
Seth, I didn't bury the lead....rather, I followed Vanessa Williams' always appropriate advice and "saved the best for last."
So this past Saturday was my bridal shower. My first thought is that I have some really good friends who are really good sports. There is something so lovely when you see someone you love doing something just for you, just because they love you. Sigh.
My second thought is that I had to open packages of lingerie in front of people who have known me since before I had boobs, some even before I had the ability to speak. And several people I barely know. But it was all tasteful, and I had about 3 glasses of white wine at that point, so everything was fine.
The bachelorette party was a grand time. One universal truth was discovered. Consider this a public service announcement:
Ladies, when you choose to dance on the bar in an effort to look hot and sexy, please leave your purse with a friend. NOTHING kills your hottness like a giant purse dangling off your shoulder, hitting that other girl you're dancing with in the eye as you "freak" each other. (Are the kids still saying "freak" when refering to that sort of dancing, or is the word "grind" what we're looking for here?) It's confusing to those frat boys you're trying to impress when you are both dancing AND lugging your suitcase sized hand bag around up there, because, through their beer-glazed eyes, they are getting two visual messages:
1. Hot girl with short skirt dancing on bar
2. Woman shopping at Target
There is a reason you will not see a stripper sliding down the pole with a Coach bag draped over her shoulder. It is not a good dancing accessory! OH, and neither is a cell phone.
One of these hoochies answered her cell phone in the middle of her bar dancing. What do you say when the person calling says "So, what are you up to?"
"Oh, I'm just dancing on the bar at Matrix."
I realized something else about these intoxicated amatuers up on the bar. People stare at them, trainwreck style, men and women alike. It's because we're kind of hoping one of them falls off the bar.
Seriously, let's be honest. That's what we're all doing. It's too close to the perfect storm to tear your eyes away for fear of missing it happen: Drunk women in high heels, standing close to each other, in the dark, spilling their drinks while dancing on a lanoleum bar top that is only about 24 inches wide.
It's just a matter of time, People.
OK, maybe some people are watching for other reasons. Like some very young horn-dog boys are getting the show of their overly-sheltered lives, while Amber, Tawny and Ashley shake their groove things in their faces, but really, there's raunchier stuff happening on the networks at 9pm.
So our two lessons for today on bar dancing are:
1. Leave the purse with a trusted friend who is sober enough to realize that dancing on the bar is best if left to the professionals. If you're lucky she will also alert you to the fact that some creepy guy is standing behind you trying to take pictures up your skirt.
2. Everyone watching is hoping you fall on your ass.
