1:34 p.m. - 2006-03-02
at least it isn't racist
There are two things that need to be discussed today.
1. What is the deal with optometrists pushing contact lenses on the visually impaired with the gusto of a crack dealer on a brand new 17 year old prostitute? Look people, I don't do the contact thing. Every time I see an eye doctor, no matter how firmly I insist I'm not a contact lenses person, they insist that amazing breakthroughs have been made in the technology....it's so much more simple, affordable, comfortable, convenient etc. I shake my head, I politely argue and eventually, I always relent, being both sick of arguing and open minded to an extent, believing them that maybe there is a 1% chance things might go differently.
But, no. Here is what happened today which is what happens every time. I sit at the little table. He shows me how to put them in. I try and I can't do it. After fifteen minutes, he gets frustrated with me. Frustrated and saying things like "Oh, come on, you can do it. Be tough." As if he's my Olympics figure skating coach and I'm refusing to attempt the triple axle toe-loop of death. As if I BEGGED him to show me how to put in the damned things. Finally he comes over to my side of the table, manhandles my face, and wrenches my already red and sore eyelids open and shoves the little clear plastic bowls onto my eyeballs. It feels like I have ten eyelashes stuck under my eyelids. It stings. It burns. Ow. OWWWWW. Tears run down my face. I blink in seizure-esque fashion. I say "They hurt." He says "Oh, just wait a few minutes...it will get better." My eyes just effing sting. WHY does anyone do this to themselves. Glasses are so much less...invasive. You put them on. You don't need a mirror or liquid or painkillers. You just Put. Them. On.
My nose is running from my eyes tearing up. I can't see ANYTHING through my watering eyes. He shows me out, so I can "get used to them" in the waiting room. I hate them. I want to rip them off. I hate him for making me do this. I hate myself for being an open minded person. I hate Pearle Vision. "Nobody cares for eyes more than Pearle" my ass. He invites me back in to "practice" taking them out. This man is a certified SADIST. I saw the certificate right next to his diploma from Optometry school. If having them in is bad, taking them out is TORTUROUS. After ten tries and some coaching that ranged from encouraging to impatient (again, look buddy, if you recall, this wasn't MY idea) I had to ask him to please remove them for me. I was not interested in doing this ever again. EVER. It took him five full minutes of yanking on my eyelashes, telling me to do impossible things like look down while he pulled my eyelid open...argh!!! and PINCHING and SQUEEZING my freaking eyeball.....arghghghghghg. HORRIBLE sensation. HORR-I-BLE. He handed me the contacts in a nice little case and a complimentary bottle of saline so I could "practice some more" when I got home. I tossed them in the garbage can on the way out of the mall. No kidding. Sorry if you wanted the saline solution...it was necessary for me to be that emphatic in ridding myself of the nasty little things. This way, in four years when I go to get glasses again and they try their little schpiel, I will recall throwing the last ones someone gave me in the garbage and I will fully remember how the whole thing was unpleasant. Unpleasant is truly an understatement. Along the lines of saying that U2 is "kind of good" or that the Great Wall of China is "kind of big" or that being homeless "kind of sucks."
The good news is that I'm the proud owner of new cute glasses that are not yet in my possession because along with all of the other insurance complications and the computer freezing up, apparently I have a very rare prescription that won't be available for 5-10 business days. Nice.
2. There is this new horrible trend in suburbia that I must tell you about. While I was driving through my parents' neighborhood, I saw several of the following: Gooses (geese is the proper plural, I realize, but each of these were on their own, not in a gaggle, so I choose to say gooses.) Fake gooses out in someone's yard, dressed in horrible "outfits." Now this is disturbing enough. Putting a fake ugly tacky goose on your lawn thatis wearing a dress or something. Now, it gets worse. They were having a craft show in the mall the other day. I walked by a million vendors with ugly silver rings and straw wreathes that say "Welcome to our Happy Home!" And I came across...the Goose booth. THey were selling naked gooses and the outfits to go with them. Every kind of ugly crafted outfit from classic Mother-Goose apron and bonnet, to Steelers garb, Easter costumes (with bunny ears...for the goose to wear) and a very wide variety of flowered dress-type outfits. This is like the lawn jockey of the new millenium. Here is the only thing I can say that is positive about this phenomenon (which can work for a variety of situations, should you be at a loss of what to say about something very very bad: At least it isn't racist.
