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1:44 p.m. - 2006-02-13
Grocery Store Blues
So I just went to the grocery store to find something for lunch and to obtain some items to use in preparing dinner this evening.

I did my thing, grabbed a Lean Cuisine Griller Panini, got my low-carb bread crumbs, chicken breasts, provolone cheese, veggies, salad stuff. And I proceeded to the area where there are no less than 16 check out stations. 16 check out stations, of which I have NEVER seen more than 6 operational at one time. And my brain starts calculating.

I have less than 12 items, but going to the express check out is not always the best strategy. You may be better off getting behind one person with a half-full cart than 4 people with 11 items each. Only 1 financial transaction. And you never know, with 4 people, SOMEONE in that group is going to have a coupon that won't scan or will wait until all of the items have been bagged before they begin to slowly pull open the zipper of the gigantic purse to begin slowly searching for where oh where might their check book be. And a pen? Does anyone have a pen? And does anyone have any idea what the date is today? And my name? Can someone help me spell my own name? ARghghggh!

Then you have to consider which stations have baggers. If there is only one person in line, but there is no bagger, it's like there are almost two people in line because the groceries are not being bagged AS the scanning is happening. It's likely to be a one-man show as opposed to a team effort. See, several things can happen. A smart, able bodied customer is likely to speedily swipe their debit card and hustle on down to the end to start bagging their own shit so everyone can get their groceries purchased and we can all move on with our lives. But most people will just stand there, pleasantly watching the scanning process, just waiting for the cashier to finish all of the scanning and payment stuff, probably involving a check or coupon or price descrepency. They wait until the cashier has taken their payment, given them the 27 different receipts that now come with any grocery store visit that have, on the back of them, coupons for things like diapers and Ensure supplements when you have purchased things like, oh, a bottle of whiskey, a frozen pizza and a pack of gum. The cashier gives a withering look to no one in particular and then waddles down to the end and starts the bagging.

You have to factor so many thing things into choosing your check out station.

There is, of course, the option of Self-Check out. And while I tend to trust myself to hurry MUCH more than other people, there are a lot of "specialty" items you have to either look up in some book, and then there are the produc items. They put stickers on those. Is there any reason there can't be a bar code on them???? Even if you don't have those sorts of items, you inevitably will have to wait for the lone, usually half-comotose employee manning the post down at the end to make sure you don't steal anything, to come over and void the line where the machine is determined to charge you twice for your Pantene Pro-V conditioner.

Yeah, I tend to avoid self check out.

I look for a middle aged check out person with a bunch of stickers on their name badge. This means they have been there awhile and have been rewarded for good customer service. Cashiers that are too young tend to want to chit chat too much and the older ones, well, let's just say I've been charged the organic price for non-oprganic produce one too many times.

Mark says when you have to choose a line somewhere, always go for the middle because people tend to get in line in the queues on the outside (far left and far right). I guess maybe because it seems so crowded in the middle....anyway, I've tested this theory and he does have something there.

So, to review:

1. Middle aged cashier
2. Definitely go to the trouble of checking the middle check out stations.
3. Make sure there's a cashier AND a bagger.
4. If possible, getting in line behind people who look smart and observant and spry is good in case the bagger is called away for clean up in aisle. I assure you, the lady yapping on her cell phone and the mom with 3 kids is NOT going to bag her own groceries
5. And finally, if your cashier gets on a phone or an intercom for any reason and most especially if she uses words like "price check" or "key" or "void", immediately find another line.

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