6:56 p.m. - 2006-01-01
Asshole
Vacation is almost over and that is a sad thing. My new year's resolution is to win the lottery so I never have to go to work again.
Here are some things that happened over my break.
-I got a horrible, awful, disgusting 24-hour stomach flu. Only can be described as "blank-of-death" Like, Flu of Death, Puking Bout of Death, Sickness of Death, On the Floor of the Bathroom with All Spigots Running so No One Can Hear the Wretched Vomitting-of-Death-ness. You get the idea. Once again, my boyfriend took care of me with amazing resolve, patience and a hefty immune system. How is it that I have been sick more in the last 9 months than I ever have in my life and Kevin never catches anything from me.
-I said the words "Drink for harrassing my butthole." OK, let me explain. See, there's this drinking game called "Asshole." You've played it, right? Most of us aren't "drinking game people" but if you've played one, this is probably it. Unless it was Shopper's Paradise, but that is another story that involves weekly grocery store circulars, Will Deaton and a bottle of Mexican tequila. Anyway, back to Asshole. It's a simple card game where after the first round, players are put into order according to whoever went "out" first. The first person out is the President, second is vice president, and on down to the last person who is the "Asshole." This game was fun when I was 17 and everyone called each other that all of the time anyway. It's even more fun when generally respectful, loving folks, as according to the game, refer to one of their dearly loved friends as "Asshole." The President is in charge, can make rules and can order people to drink, get them a drink or whatever he or she decides. Generally, things stay pretty tame. One of the best rules we ever came up with was if you got skipped, you had to run across Marc's yard doing a "jazz run" which is a fancy, girly, dance class move that looks amazing if your name is Kevin or Marc or Jessi and you've had a couple of beers. This whole thing is a more active counterpart to something like, say, Hobo Scrabble at 1am in the Red Brick Tavern with Brooke.
Basically, If you're over 35, stuffy in general, don't have a flexible sense of humor, or have been scarred by someone in 7th grade calling you an asshole, this probably sounds horrible. I apologize and would not recommend you play this game. But back to my explanation of that attention-grabbing opener. So, I was the President. Kelly S. was the Asshole. For some reason, I culdn't bring myself to refer to little Kelly, who I have known since we were 12, as "Asshole" so I took to calling her "Butthole." She was doing a fine job shuffling the cards, dealing, getting people drinks, when Jake, who had the position of Treasurer, criticized her in a way that I felt was uncalled for. One benefit of being the president is that you can punish people for doing things you don't like and the most popular way to do so is to "make them" take a drink of their beverage by pointing at them and Saying "Drink (for whatever thing you just did to offend me.) Such as "Drink for being rude to the President." So, being the benevolent ruler that I am and a President "for the people" I swiftly dealt out a punishment to Jake and loudly instructed him to "Drink for harrassing my Butthole."
You can imagine how that went over. It is only a shame that it was not caught on tape.
-I beat my mother in bowling.
-My mother beat me in bowling.
-The Meyers Sisters came to visit. Fun was had by all.
- I attended both Penguins and Steelers games where victory was ours. Pittsburgh is a happy town this week. Pittsburgh's going to the Su-u-per Bowl. Here we go....Steelers. The Penguins may pull off a less than embarrassing season with a new coach. We'll see.
-Kelly Cooke came to visit. Fun was had by all until the Deadly-Virus-of-Death took over my body. Kelly=Good Sport. Kevin=Trooper. Heart and heart.
