9:41 a.m. - 2005-11-09
a fundamental problem
So, I've been tutoring kids afterschool at this program for students at risk of failing academically and socially...basically becoming drug addicts, prostitutes and general deadbeats draining the welfare system. I have felt like I have been banging my head against a brick wall recently and this morning I figured out why.
When Patrick and I worked together, I think he definitely figured this out. I didn't experience it so intensely at Good Works for some reason, but I definitely am now.
I went into this situation hoping that as the teacher/tutor, I would be a person in their lives that the students could trust. I want to be someone they feel safe around and who they can go to if they need something or are confused about something, or if they are in real trouble. What I'm realizing is that it's hard to form relationships with them when I am responsible for their behavior....as in, I have to discipline them and they always see me as the "enforcer" and so it is hard to express love and care for them.
If I spend 20 minutes fighting with them to do their homework instead of throwing Oreos at each other, and then I sincerely inquire "So, Jimmy, How are you doing?" They don't buy it. They think I'm going to "yell" at them. (They use the term "yell" for any communication that comes out of my mouth besides "Who wants a snack?") They think I just want them to never have fun. They think I'm picking on them because I make them read or do their homework during the ONE hour out of the 4 hours they are there, that they are supposed to be working on academics.
I have realized that I have to let go of that expectation that I can be there for them on an emotional level. I have more so decided my job is to keep them safe and help them learn. If they "like" me in the process, it's a bonus, and if not, oh well....hopefully someone else is doing that for them. You can't enforce rules and enact consequences that feel like punishments on people and hold that kind of power over their heads and then expect them to trust you and confide in you.
This is why mentoring is so important. My volunteer work with a mentoring program is really great because of this. I spend time with "Ocie" who is the 15 year old boy that I mentor. Our time is one-on-one. There is never any need for disciplining because of the environment and the fact that he wants to be there. We can talk and discuss whatever he wants and in that situation trust is built. We can joke and laugh. We actually get to know each other.
I think my tutoring job is important, and I think it makes an impact...just in a different way than I expected it to.
