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3:32 p.m. - 2005-09-29
j-do, on napkins
OK, so does somebody want to fess up and tell me the truth or what? Do you all secretly think I'm a slob? No, we're not talking about the perpetual state of chaos my bedroom is generally in. I am talking moreso about food and beverage consumption.

I don't really feel compelled to obtain a napkin for a meal unless I make a mess or spill something. Since, as far as I know, this does not happen especially often to me, I don't instinctively reach for a napkin whenever I am going to consume something. However, I have noticed recently that people are always handing me napkins. Pizza at Kevin's house is always distributed with a napkin. A bagel at a meeting...I head back to my seat, with the bagel on a plate and one of the staff members hands me a napkin, with a smile that kind of says "oops, you forgot this." Um. It's a bagel. Not a plate of spaghetti that I am expected to eat with my hands. Even today, my boss got me a sugar-free slushie that is more beverage-like than anything else and includes a straw and a LID.

And what did she set on my filing cabinet?

Napkins. Two of them.

The way I see it is this: If you want a napkin that you probably won't use, that's cool. Go for it. And if you're offering me one to be nice, why thank you. But see, that's one of those weird things; you can't really refuse a napkin. Have you ever tried? Trust me, it's bad news. The napkin offerer looks at you like you were just offered a free 20 dollar bill and you turned it down. People act like it is an item of absolute necessity and someone who does not have one must have overlooked their availibility or not been able to find one, and is probably internally panicking...ohmigawd...where the hell are the damned napkins?!?!

I'm going to tell you something. If I need one, I'll get it. I don't mind being offered one in the same way you might offer to refill my beverage. But if you're really offering it to me because YOU think that I need a napkin, please don't. I guess I'm saying I don't want to be judged for my own personal decision to take a napkin or not. Sometimes I'll take one. Like if we're eating tacos on a white cashmere couch without the benefit of a plate. And I guess pizza is an item that more often than not requires napkinage. But a slushie? In a secure cup with a secure lid and straw??

The way I see it is this: If I have a sudden need for a napkin, like some stray sauce on my finger or my face, it might be nice to have one sitting there, but does that happen every time you eat? Of course not. Besides, you can get up and get one if you need to. A napkin is just an extra thing to carry and an extra thing to throw away in most cases. And in the case of a major spill? Guess what. Your napkin is WEAK. While you're busy unfolding your little translucent square of absorbant paper product trying to sop up (yes, Mae, I used the word "sop") an entire bowl of soup. I'm already back from the kitchen with a roll of papertowels and a mop.

It's not that I'm not appreciative of the kind offer of a napkin, in the event that I may have missed them sitting there right next to the recepticle holding forks, one of which I am holding in my hand, while you with your hawk eye napkin radar amazingly spied them. However, I probably just don't need one. I promise to wash my hands if anything really gross happens and I swear, if I want a napkin, I'll ask.

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