2:12 a.m. - 2004-11-20
i dropped one
Mistakes. We all make mistakes, right? But why does it feel so shitty when you do, even if they're "little" ones?
Maybe because you feel like they effect how the people who know you made a mistake view you. You want them to think well of you. And the mistake equates fear that they no longer do.
Sometimes you make a mistake and you say fuck it. I don't care what anyone says. But if you do that over and over, you become one of those ignorant people that no one respects because you obviously don't care about what anyone thinks but yourself. The other side of that is that if you constantly fall all over yourself, trying not to make mistakes that anyone sees, and trying to cover up the ones you do make, you become inauthentic and undesireable in another way. Ah, there's that issue of balance we always seem to be talking about.
Is it just me or is it always about that?
But the whole issue of being vulnerable and falling apart in front of people...this is why we don't; seriously, it is...because when we make mistakes, we feel bad and sorry and angry at ourselves that one of the fifty zillion invisible plates that we are spinning and most people are largely unaware of crashes to the floor and makes everyone turn and stare and point and makes us want to crawl into a hole and die. That's how I feel, generally speaking, when I make a mistake, because I spend so much damned time trying not to.
Here is what is lovely: unexpected and wonderful conversations that happen in seedy bars full of tattooed, pierced, unusual individuals in various stages of drunkeness, among a small and somewhat unlikely troop of people. God is cool, People. For real.
