7:52 p.m. - 2004-01-19
my grandmother
Well. For those who don't know, my grandmother (my mother's mother) passed away last week. I flew home when I learned she was in the hospital and not improving. I spent most of three full days and nights in the hospital, and was with her when she died. It was a very intense time. The next few days were spent at viewings and the funeral, etc. I, along with my mother and uncle gave the eulogy. What can I say, here, now about this woman who loved me fully since before I was born. She was present when I came into the world, and I was there when she left it. 25 years of relationship. 25 years of total acceptance and love. 25 years of early morning birthday phone calls, little notes sent in the mail with 20 dollars in the envelope, vacations to new york, wyoming, florida and maryland, her attendance at my high school and college graduations, senior prom, every musical I was ever in, one to whihc she came hobbling down the aisle with a broken leg she had sustained that day, and refused to go to the hospital until I had taken my bow, plane tickets home from seattle, gas money for the trip back from Athens, tuna fish sandwhiches and jello salad for lunch, staying up "late" to watch Murder She Wrote and Golden Girls....
She never held back her love, and would have given me anything I asked for. What have I learned from her? That is perhaps the most important question. I think that it is that "the most important thing is faith expressing itself through love." I think I judge too much, expect too much, withhold my love and support, and dole it out only conditionally. This is not good. This is not right.
She knew better. I want to learn from her. Her 87 years of a less than perfect life was all about RESPONSE to the hand you've been dealt. She always made the best of every situation, no matter what. She wasn't bitter for a moment. She didn't gossip. She didn't hold a record of wrongs. On the rare occassion she felt tempted to hold a grudge or respond negatively, she would "give herself a talking to." I love that. It wasn't that she wasn't vulnerable to negativity or bitterness...she chose to turn from it. Sometimes I feel entitled to be bitter or negative because my life isn't as great as so-and-so...but neither was hers.
Her mother died when she was 11. Her father wanted to send her to boarding school, but instead she ended up staying with a less than loving couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kreiling. It was a mildly cinderella-esque story...she did chores and whatever she was told with dutiful obedience, and they were far from kind or warm to her. She dreamed of going to college, but her father or the couple she lived with couldn't afford it. So, instead, having excellent grades and a sharp mind, she attended the most prestegious secretarial school she could afford. She did become good friends with the Krieling's daughter, Mercedes, and they stayed friends their entire lives. Mercedes' daughters drove up from New Jersey to attend the funeral last week when they heard the news. When she couldn't go to college, she accepted the next best thing and did it the b est she could (landing a job as the superintendent of schools' secretary....a job she held for decades.) and when she lived with people who were unkind, she built a relationship that withstood 50 years (until Mercedes died.)
She married in her late 20's (scandelous at that time!) and my grandfather was a good provider but emotionally distant. When her youngest child entered school, she went back to work to start saving up for their education. She was able to send each of her children to college. During the month of November, each year, she would get a part time job in the evenings at a department store, to ensure they all had Christmas presents. My grandparents never bought a single thing on credit, with the exception of their house. If they needed a new car, they would save up and pay in cash. Another lesson I would be smart to pay attention to! She longed to travel. My grand father did not care to, and especially in the later years, she knew she couldn't leave him...his diabetes was getting the best of his health and he barely knew how to make an egg for breakfast. She never complained. She put him in his place a few times, but was always faithful, loving and patient with him. When he died, 12 years ago, she was heartbroken, but moved on, living on her own, traveling as she pleased, and being a strong presence in her community, putting many hours of volunteer service in at the hospital gift shop, the YWCA, the garden club as a grantwriter, and with the local symphany. When she moved in with my parents, gracefuly closing the chapter in her life of full independence, and needed to take over my bedroom, to have a ground floor residence, she insisted on building an entire WING on the house, upstairs for me...mind you, this was when I was in college. I have probably lived a total of 4 months there in the last five years. But she insisted I have a place of privacy and comfort. She joyfully embraced living with my parents big floppy dog, who literally knocked her down, flat on her back in the yard on several occasions. She added several beautiful garden areas to our yard. She would bake and cook and got very upset if anyone did "her" chore of emptying the dishwasher. She took great joy in early morning breakfasts with my father, (she truly loved him as a son) and evenings of tv watching/reading/crossword puzzle completing with my mother. She loved beating me in Scrabble.
I share all of this, partly because it helps me to process this way, but also to share with you and remind myself of how it is possible to be joyful and giving and loving, despite circumstances that are less than perfect. I thought to myself today, as for various reasons, I felt less than content, how can I do that now? What can I do to have perspective like hers? All I can think of now is to remind myself of her life and how she chose to live it. If I get any more ideas, I'll let you know.
